he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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