I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
