His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
