I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
