I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
