dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
