I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
