I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
this will be a night to untag.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
