Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
