when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
