Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
