i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
