Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
