FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
