there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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