she was so not down for the gang bang
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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