I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
