my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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