I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
