Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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