you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
