If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
