4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
