Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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