is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
