he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
