it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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