I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Someone signed my nipple.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
