I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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