did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize