The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
