you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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