so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I want a musical about memes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize