Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The air taste purple.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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