I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
