I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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