How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Randomize
