I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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