I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
