i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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