I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
