it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
