he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
