i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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