careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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