no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
