Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
