I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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