I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
