Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
