: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
