I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
