My first STD was from a foam party
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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