the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
