Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
