ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
