you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
