The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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