Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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